I looked down at her and I started to say "OK mama, but I need to finish changing your diaper..."
My mind is racing through all the reasons why I just need to finish changing your diaper. Memories of past incidences rush to my mental foreground and it only seems logical to finish changing your diaper and then give you a hug. I shouldn't leave you diaperless. In a second you could possibly have an accident, which I will have to clean up (more importantly which I don't want to clean up), or you could start running and fall on your bare bottom and then hurt yourself. So yes I should finish changing your diaper first. That would be the logical order of operations. It will only takes a few seconds as I wrestle you still, my sometimes tame gorilla (seriously how can you possibly be that strong).
But I stop. My logical order is not the right order in this moment. I don't need to finish first. Your diaper will get changed regardless. A few minutes from now will come and you will be running from my grasp and playing and jumping and throwing toys on the floor. Right now you are asking for me to stop and listen. Hugs are important too.
So I stop and lean down and hug you as you lie still and whisper "Hug mamas"
I stand up she put her arms back out. "Mommy, hug"
I leaned in again and give her a big hug.
Then as I was standing up again she grabbed my face, pulled me down and said "Kiss?"
I give her a big kiss.
And then I finished changing her diaper.
Sometimes I can feel tapped out, and just want to finish, streamline my process so I can get it , whatever it is, done. But love isn't a process to finish. I want to be able to stop everything I am doing and be there for her when she needs it. I need to let go of part of myself there. It isn't easy to remind myself to stop and listen to what my kids need me. Especially when sometimes all day it seems to be a constant flow of "needs".
Thank you mama for reminding me to stop and listen. Hugs are important too.