Dear Pancreas

Dear Pancreas,

I wish I knew you'd give up on me ahead of time, but that is all behind us now as you've shown your true colors. I have to move on.  I've known for quite a while now that I haven't been able to rely on you, but I'm finally taking the time to write to you. 

We had some good times you and me, wouldn't you agree?  We would enjoy chocolate covered ice cream sundaes and yummy delicious baked pastries together.  Or eating cereal, pancakes, french toast or waffles with pure maple syrup.. basically all my favorite breakfast foods.  Making, baking and eating homemade muffins and cookies. Drinking fruit juice or munching on endless amounts of fruit.. adding honey to my hot tea... I'll never forget those good times.  

But now that you've been gone you made me realize that I can no longer enjoy these things without you. Looking tirelessly at the nutritional labels, measuring and counting out everything that I eat or drink. I simply cannot enjoy all of it without you.  And when you return, which I am most certain you will, you have taken the joy out of eating a lot of my favorite foods.

That is not to say I cannot enjoy food without you, but I just now know things about some of my favorite foods I never wanted to know. And because you left me I now face a daunting understanding that you could very well choose to leave again during my life and I will always need to remember that.

I always thought I was tolerant of pain. I was wrong.  Because you left I have to deal with self inflicted pain on my fingertips multiple times a day. I won't lie. It hurts. My fingertips are both rougher and more sensitive now. It's frustrating all the things I need to remember to do now that you left. I keep numerous alarms on my phone to keep track of everything but even then sometimes I forget.  You were always better at remembering things.

When you left it meant it also meant I had to take full responsibility over everything.  I thought we could do this together hand in hand, but I was wrong.  And I'm disappointed in you. I don't like how you left, but I can manage this.  This won't break me. You won't break me. I can do this on my own.

Please reconsider and come back when baby is born,

With Love ♥ Michelle


p.s. even though I am mad at you for leaving, thank you for opening my eyes and giving me a different perspective and understanding on the how others live without you on a daily basis.